WWPD: My humans want to turn me into an Instagram sensation

Illustration: Steve Handley

Dear Pippa, 
my human wants to turn me into an 'Instagram sensation'. What is an Instagram, and what does being such a 'sensation' involve? 
Bella, Corgipoo, Edinburgh

Hi Bella, 
Instagram is a bit like a lamp post: you pee/post on it, and strangers sniff/look at it. Just like we have different canvases for our art, humans have different filters to make things look anything from quaint to unwell. 

Instagram is confusing as it is very small - it lives in those tiny metal extensions to our humans' hands. I tried it once, but what with being half blind, a luddite and also a dog I didn't get very far. What I do understand, however, is that the equivalent to a good distribution of our pee is the Instagram ‘hashtag’. It allows humans to look for like-minded humans, and they like to leave visual barks of appreciation for each other. It all is a colossal waste of time, so next time your human drags you past a tree because she is “in a rush”, feel free to protest. 

As for becoming a ‘sensation’, the more time you waste on it, the more likely you will succeed. Prepare to visually pee on the same tree a million times – from the left, from the right, in the light, in the dark, wearing a Mexican hat, wearing a tutu, pulling a totes hilaire face, etc peepee. If you are not a ‘sensation’ by the time of your next food delivery, prepare to get a ‘friend’ (puppy, raccoon, avocado) or go on a road trip, for which your human may well have to quit her job. Finally, it may also involve changing your name for a catchier tag.

Personally, I prefer steak hash to a hashtag, but I’m old school. 

P.S. Please follow me at @wunderdog_mag
P.P.S. Just thought of a hashtag: #virtualrealitree :-)